Remember Me
by HazelGrey
Summary: I don't say his name anymore, or even think it. But it still happens once in a blue moon, in my rarest dreams that the blocking doesn't work. Deep piercing azure flashes before my eyes and I lose it. A blast from the past disrupts the balance. Rated M.


**Author's Note: Hello again! =) I wanted to up this yesterday but I've gone...three days...three horrid days without internet...T_T...it was terrible I tell you. But I survived! :D This has been on my mind for a while but I guess I was lazing around and didn't really get into it until recently. Okay, hmmm...what else? Oh, at first I wanted to make this a one-shot but my senses kicked in and it'll end up being a two, three-shot or just a short fic. Way too much that needs to happen. =) Starting school tomorrow T_T, but I'll try to keep at it. This is from two perspectives.**

_****_**Hope you like it! =)**

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><p><em>Snow<em>

I stare outside through the window as it falls, one little speck at a time. I tried counting to pass the time, but I always ended up losing count. They're just too many, way too many. Why is time going by so slowly today? I don't know. It's unnerving. I tune back in to the loud and excited yells of my lunatic of a father. Nothing out of the ordinary, except Karin is drop-kicking him less than usual. I guess everyone but me is in the Christmas spirit. Soon enough Shinji should be here.

He'll be here in a few minutes. Then he'll come up and try to get me out of bed and cheer me up like the good friend that he is. I'll smile to reassure him, and he'll stop bothering me, hopefully.

It's getting quite dark outside. I start counting again because it makes time go by much faster, and I can't wait for night to fall and for this day to be finally over.

I hate it.

No matter how many days, months, years pass by I still can't get it out of my mind.

I can't get _him_ out of my mind.

I don't say his name anymore, or even think it. I learned to control my mind and my body ever since. But it still happens once in a blue moon, in my rarest dreams that the blocking doesn't work. Deep piercing azure flashes before my eyes and I lose it. They don't know what to do when it happens. Nobody knows what to do anymore, me included, so I just lock myself up. Sometimes for hours, others for days. I don't eat, but I don't get hungry at all for some reason.

I hear the steps from outside come closer and closer and I turn around and hide my face, feigning sleep and hoping they'll all just leave me alone. It's annoying that they think they can help. Nothing they can do can make it better. Nothing.

Two short, tentative knocks before the door is flung opened.

"Ichi, ya have ta stop bein' like tha'," my blond friend whined, walking over to my bed and plopping down, "Yer really burstin' my Christmas bubble here!" he said, shoving me and trying to get me to face him.

"Then go downstairs with the others, Shin, I never told you to come here," I mumbled, not budging, my voice scratchy. But I must have been out of it for quite a while if I thought that would do it. A sharp pinch to my side confirmed that thought and I swiftly turned around and sat up to face him, shooting him a glare that hardly harbored any heat.

"Thanks for trying, Shin, but let it go," I told him firmly looking into his eyes.

He deflated a little and I felt a hint of guilt creeping up, "Funny. Tha's what I've been tellin' ya fer the past two years, Ichi," he said, holding the firm gaze but I could spot something else in his nut brown eyes that stabbed me and made my blood boil at the same time. With nothing to shoot back I contented myself with scowling and letting him drag me out of bed and to the shower.

"Move yer ass an' come downstairs when yer done," he said before leaving and shutting the door behind him. I thought about going back to bed but I knew he would just come back.

The cold tile under my feet woke me up a little as I peeled off my clothes and left them in a pile on the floor. I raised my head and met my hideous reflection. My eyes were dull and devoid of all life as I stared back into them and my skin was sickeningly pale and ghostly barely contrasting with my cracked lips. Saying I had a body would be wrong. A bony skeleton covered in thin layers of skin and flesh was more appropriate. My skin was stretched across my ribs, letting me almost perfectly make out their outline.

I stepped under the shower head and sat down, pulling my knees to my chest and letting the harsh streams hit the back of my neck, cascade down my back, the rest trickling down through the cracks made by my bent elbows and down my bent head. I could feel the skin of my forearm tingle as water sprayed the healing cuts.

They didn't know about it. The cutting, the sleeping pills. Not even Shin knew. It was better this way. If they knew they would try to _help_ some more, and I couldn't have that happen.

The water finally turned lukewarm and I got up.

Drying off in the room, I slipped on my boxers, grabbed some clothes, put a pair of shoes on and grabbed my sweater before going downstairs.

**####**

"Oh, my darling daughters despise me!" Isshin wailed incessantly, "What have I done to deserve such heart-wrenching rejection!" he clutched Karin's leg in a vice-like grip as he continued to howl loudly, not letting go as she rained down blow after blow on his head.

"Get off me, you perverted idiot before I split your skull open!" the short raven head growled as she looked down at him with a furious glare.

"Karin, stop, you'll hurt him!" Yuzu said, hurrying over to them, her large brown eyes filled with worry as she tried to calm her sister.

Shinji stood by the dinner table, picking cherry after cherry off the creamy cake that was meant to be for dessert.

The sound of footsteps coming from the staircase brought the chaos to a screeching halt as all silliness left Isshin and slender fingers froze centimeters away from picking another of the little red delicacies.

All eyes rested on the red head descending the stairs one by one, following his every movement. After the last step he raised his head to look at all of them.

He hated it.

There it was again. He could see it in every single pair of eyes, that nauseating pity. He didn't say anything and waited. Finally his father nervously cleared his throat and spoke. He could still feel their eyes practically drilling holes into his body.

"So! Let's eat, shall we?"

Everyone made their way to the table and he followed, sitting down in his usual chair that had been deserted for God knows how long.

Silence.

There are all kinds of silence. There's the peaceful silence when words are locked away because they'll just ruin the moment. There's the respectful silence when you keep your mouth shut because you don't want to be rude. There's the painful silence, when you have so much to say but you can't, so you're forced to sit there and let it slowly gnaw at your heart with each passing second till there's nothing left.

But he hated this silence out of all of them.

Glasses clinked, forks and knives clattered quietly in plates and the silent chewing was loud in his ears but he could still hear it. He could feel their eyes on him and nearly hear their thoughts and he couldn't take it. He knew what they were thinking.

He wasn't a fucking charity case for crying out loud.

He didn't get it. How could they force him to come down here and pretend everything was okay while they shamelessly let their judgmental stares pierce the walls he had put up? He couldn't do it.

Smashing down his fork he shot up, kicked the chair from behind him and bolted for the door.

"Ichigo!" his father shouted after him, but it fell on deaf ears as he stepped out into the night and slammed the door behind him.

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><p>I glared down at my frosty fingers. Why's it so fucking cold?<p>

_Maybe because it's winter._

"Fuck off," I muttered out loud to shut the sarcastic voice in my head up.

I shoved my hands back in my pocket and scowled, cursing the season as I walked down the street, ignoring the scared and disbelieving looks. The taste of shitty beer still lingered on my tongue and my stomach growled.

It had been a while since I'd eaten anything, but screw that. Food could wait. The honking of cars and the sound they made as their wheels glided across the concrete filled my ears as I took a corner and kept on walking, ignoring the fact that I didn't know where the hell I was going. Passing a shop on the sidewalk, the sound of carols reached my ears and I wished I could walk in, dismantle those speakers and feed the wires to the fucktard who'd turned them on. A wide smirk took up my face as I entertained my thoughts with the scene.

But then _he_'d probably rush over and try to stop me. Fuckin' peace maker.

My scowl returned and I picked up my pace as I passed a chattering family with matching Christmas hats. What the fuck am I doin'?

Stopping and leaning against the wall of another of those godamned shops, I reached into the pocket of my black leather jacket and pulled out a cig, lighting it up before taking a long drag. I stared ahead, looking at nothing as the warmth flowed through my chest. Running a hand through my blue mane I scanned the striding crowd, frustration rising and making my gaze harden.

What if I find him?

He probably wants to blow a fuckin' hole through my face and hell, I sure as fuck deserve it. Don't know why the hell I even bothered with him in the first place. Knew he was trouble from the beginning.

Bright orange hair.

Light freckles.

And the way his sappy brown eyes would light up whenever he saw me.

I knew he was gonna get hurt. When the hell did I go soft?

_Pack all your shit and lock up before you leave. Don't come back, don't look for me. Forget me and everything we did, never meant a fucking thing. _

_G._

A whole new level of insensitive bastard. Even for me, I thought and scoffed as the streets slowly cleared out.

What time was it now?

"_Should I let you in on something, Mr. Jeagerjeaques?" the smirking son of a bitch said, his tone even as if he was just contemplating the weather, but I could see the insanity dancing in those debased orbs. _

"_You are a very smart man. And you will put that intelligence to good use. However I am not one for coaxing, so I'll leave it to someone else whom I trust will do a far better job of speeding up your decision making," he spoke calmly, handing me a square piece of paper, most likely a photograph. _

_I took it from the bastard's hand and my stomach gave a dangerous lurch, my pulse going out of control. My throat constricted and I could have sworn my heart was making its way up through it, painfully pounding against my ribcage as orange spikes and freckle dusted cheeks reached my eyes. _

"_He's quite a sight," the devil spoke, brown bullets of pure cruelty drilling holes through me as he put his hands in his pockets and turned away from me, heading towards the door, "Though I'm not quite sure he'll look as fresh when we're done with him."_

_Inches away from exiting he stopped, "Don't worry, Grimmjow," he said, the malice coating his voice. My face was contorted in rage and I would have given anything to blow his brains out just to wipe that fucking smirk I could almost hear in his voice. _

"_I'll be sure to give him your best regards."_

Only a few lone cars zoomed by every once in a while and the streetlights flickered and only the wind and the distant sounds of other vehicles, music and voices could be heard.

I pushed from the wall and dropped he the cigarette, stepping on it and effectively extinguishing the remaining heat.

Another night.

_Wonder what he's doin' right now_…

**####**

I stared ahead at the bottom of the glass as the golden liquid rushed into my mouth and flowed down my throat, the sweet burn contrasting with the slow warmth that spread through me before I slammed the glass down on the wooden counter, making several heads turn in my direction.

"Another," I muttered to the bartender who eyed me warily but all the same turned around for a while and another drink was put in front of me.

"Take it easy, boy" the young man said. He had rich brown shoulder length hair and lazy silver eyes that looked at me, concerned. His face was expressionless for the most part albeit his lethargic appearance. A necklace holding what looked like a tooth was snug around his neck.

Ignoring his words I started downing the contents of the glass as the loud chatter of the bar filled my ears, somewhat distracting me from my thoughts. They were probably wondering where I was now, looking at the clock. Good thing I didn't carry my phone around anymore. My body was gradually becoming lighter yet I couldn't decide if I was sluggish or excited.

_He_ would probably be glaring at me right now for wasting myself like this. I was supposed to be the good and level headed one. I wasn't allowed to do stuff like this, only he was. That way there was a balance. Well he wasn't here now, so to hell with balance. I raised the glass to my lips again before it hit me.

How pathetic…

How could I be so weak? I tried to push away the little voice in my head that always came to me in these moments, but deep down I knew it was true. Why I put myself in these situations. Why I stupidly endangered my life from time to time. No matter how hard I tried I was still throwing furtive glances behind me, hoping for the past.

Hoping that like old times, _he_ would come to stop me.

The bar steadily emptied out and only a few suspicious people stayed back, speaking in hushed tones.

A stupid, pitiable cry for help.

Because I would never let go. Shin was right.

The brusque sound of glass breaking and shards flying in all directions brought me out of my reverie just as alcohol seeped into the fresh cuts in my palms, stinging harshly. I watched in slight wonder as crimson oozed out and trickled down my wrist. The brunet's eyes widened slightly in surprise and he hurriedly reached for a fresh handkerchief in his pocket, tossing it to me.

"Tha' fuck is wrong with ya?" I heard another man snarl, annoyed. I had to raise my head higher when a hand roughly grabbed my arm to spin me around and off the stool. He was extremely tall with a long black curtain of hair that stopped at his lower back. His violet eye gleamed menacingly in the dim lighting of the bar and the other one was covered with a black eyepatch that went around his head.

Looking me up and down, his lip curled in distaste when his gaze fell on my bleeding hand before he pushed me towards the exit, "Get outta' here, ya sick fuck."

As I stepped outside into the cold air a part of me wondered why he hadn't made me pay for the glass and the other boiled with anger because _it_ had been there again. Even in that intimidating brute's demeaning stare.

_Pity_.

I strolled aimlessly down the street, staring at the gravel beneath my feet as I moved forward with every step. The white fabric was now a mesmerizing shade of dark red and I could still feel bits and pieces of glass prickling the fresh cuts. I was contemplating going back home before I felt something. It was strange and something was off.

I stopped in my tracks and turned around.

That's when my world came crashing down all over again.

**####**

_Ichigo_

There he stood in a pair of grey jeans, a simple red v-neck and a black sweater.

Even from where I stood across the street I could see how thin much he'd changed. I wouldn't have recognized him if it wasn't for those loud spikes on his head. His orange hair was still as bright as I remembered it but everything else about him was colorless. His eyes were empty and it was like he was staring right through me when I ran towards him, my heart clenching painfully every step I took.

_His hand_. _He was fuckin' bleeding._

His skin was pale and his limbs were overly thin. My mind screamed, asking me when the last time he'd eaten was.

I waited for him to run, yell, punch me, and scream. But he just stood there as I finally came to stand in front of him, eyes widened in surprise or fear. Or maybe both and it killed me inside.

_Ichigo_

Anything else. Kicking and screaming was fine and I could deal with it and all the bitchin' that could come after. But this, I couldn't handle.

"Ichigo!" I shouted, annoyed that he wasn't responding. I was tempted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him till he showed one sign that he was hearing me. That he knew I was here. His head was bent so I couldn't even see his face.

I didn't know what to do.

I wanted to rip him from where he was, hold him and never let go but I was fuckin' frozen to the spot. And he looked so broken and weak. Like he would break into a million pieces if I just touched him. My eyes fell back down to his hand which was badly wrapped in a handkerchief, blood dripping from it and down to the concrete.

"The fuck ya do t' yourself?" I growled, roughly but carefully grabbing his wrist.

And then it came.

The loud crack resounded throughout the quiet night and the sting on my cheek lingered, the skin heating up.

He slowly raised his head and the sight broke me. I stared back in his tear-filled eyes as they streamed down his cheeks, his face contorted in a pained grimace. It was as if someone had taken a knife and wedged it into his chest before twisting it continuously. That's what I saw in his eyes.

"Get out of my life," he whispered, his voice cracking.

I stared back hardly into his honey brown orbs, "Like hell," I snarled, fixing him was as much determination. He lost his fire a split second and I saw something flash in his eyes for the briefest of moments that made my heart pound in my chest before it was gone and he took off.

My hand shot out but he was out of my reach before I could touch him again. The quick bastard. I broke into a run, not wasting a moment, hot on his heels as he sprinted at top speed down the street. He was fast for someone having lost so much weight.

_What the hell happened to him?_

The loud rumbling of an engine broke me out of my thoughts and I barely had enough time to jump to the side before the motorcycle whizzed by, missing me by centimeters. Glaring, I cursed loudly and flipped the asshole the bird.

"Watch where yer fuckin' goin', bitch!"

Quickly recovering from the distraction I only had the chance to see vibrant orange cut the corner and disappear into the night.

_Fuck._

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><p><strong>Author's Note: *twiddles fingers* Uhmm...yeahh, that's it. I hope you liked it. If you didn't please review all the same and constructive criticism would be highly appreciated. =)<strong>

***hugs***


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